it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
