Where did you get a picture of my penis
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
