I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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