i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
