we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
