Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
