I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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