I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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