I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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