How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
