My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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