By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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