If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
