i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
