Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
