The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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