Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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