I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
