apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
