I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Randomize
