I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I enjoy the company of your penis
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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