I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
