i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
