sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
