I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
