It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
