Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
