Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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