I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
