I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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