I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
