Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
