I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
