she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
