I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
