My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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