New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
so much tequila, so little girl.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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