I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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