What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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