i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Shame - the story of my life.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
