why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
