I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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