Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
