She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
