DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
