I wish my penis had an off switch
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
There's always time for handjobs
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
