Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
