If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
