I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
