Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
