I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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