also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
