I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
