you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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