When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
