i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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