i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
