I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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