How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
my poor anus
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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