Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
